a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
