I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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