It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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