I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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