i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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