Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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