In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
