We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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