K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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