or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
