I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
