Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
