i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
