Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
