Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
