We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
