I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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