It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i will never coherently bang her
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
