I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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