Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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