my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
a search helicopter?!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
