Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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