i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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