Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
