Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize