i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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