I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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