Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
