I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
