So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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