yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
