I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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