He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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