Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
