My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
