I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
