Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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