just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
