I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
