Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
