do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
