WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
