so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
