I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize