i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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