turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
