I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
