We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i believe in u and ur pee
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
