why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
