On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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