I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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