Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
