I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
