Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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