does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
