Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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