i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
