cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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