I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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