when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
