After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
