my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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