Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize