Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
