did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize