yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
