Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
