bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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