You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
