yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
