Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
