just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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