There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
